This was to be the first blog that I was to write, cause from this day started a new phase & I came face to face with reality, the harsh, painful, striking reality! Since there was some problem in my pc so I took out the diary and started writing on the page dated 3rd October, the fateful day I got to know about your existence and chatted with you, totally unconscious of the fact that there will come a day in my life when I will curse this day!
What a day it was and how I ended it. After crying till my heart’s fill I asked my Ma to let me to go to market though it was a bit late at that time but still she being the ever understanding Ma agreed to accompany me to market. We went to market and through out the way we didn’t talk about you, even though both of us were conscious that you were our TOMA(hate this term now).I tried to be my usual self, chirpy, care free and happy but somehow Ma was getting irritated but I knowing well the reason of her irritation thought it better to ignore it. I bought a new dress for me in my favourite pink colour and a new pair of high heeled shoes. Again these things were reminding me of you but some things are to be suppressed and I think I will have to learn it fast.
After this I asked my Ma to go to the parlour as I needed a cutting, the expression that was there on her face wretched my heart but still some things are to be done at any cost. So I headed to the cutting section, ignoring my ma or the look in her eyes and sat on the chair where the barber came to analyze my hair and asked my choice for the cut I would prefer but it was the day when I had learned that you don’t always get what you choose and sometimes your choice is not worth you, so asked him to go ahead with whichever he thought the best. ‘Learn to give in to others’ free will dear Aushima’, this is what I told myself at that time. But still the length of the hair was to be decided by me and ma was also there. He showed the length of the hair that I had to loose and ma suddenly said” NO”! I knew how she loved my growing hair and even you wanted it to be so but then I had to keep my promise, a promise which I made to you as well as to me. At least I should keep my promises even if you, for your convenience, are forgetting or ignoring them. I had always been honest with me and here also I will accept this fact that even I had come to love my hair and more than that, the feeling that this is something I am doing for you. I never accepted this fact in front of you but this was so. But I asked my Ma to let me do what I wanted to and she said’” Don’t over do it and irritate me”. And then she went away and sat down with her back turned to me. How I felt at that time, you can never understand and why I had to do it that also will never be comprehensible to you.
There I was in front of a big mirror with my hair loose, dark circles more prominent since some last days, swollen eyes which were more prominent because of kohl that I had applied, dry lips, sunken cheeks and a hollow look on my face. My spontaneous reaction was to turn my gaze away from my own face as I couldn’t face what you had done to me but then I have to face the realities, now and throughout my life, so again I looked at myself. My ‘battered heart’ visible in the reflection of my face in the mirror. This wasn’t me! How could I be so? How could he do so to me? How could I let him do this to me? Where was the real me?
Suddenly I could feel my eyes getting moist and I could see in the reflection the tears brimming in my eyes about to come out but I didn’t let them to. This is how I am to live throughout my life now, not letting the pain, the tears, the heartache come out. I kept on staring at my self without blinking and all those eight months started floating in front of my eyes. Those eight months which still mean so much to me and never meant a thing to you. Suddenly the warm air of the blower striking on my neck brought me back to the real world, the cruel harsh real world. I felt a gaze on me and saw two children staring at me wide eyed through the glass partition, spontaneously I gave them a smile and wished that they shouldn’t be able to see how fake it was but the smile and the shy look that I got in return made me realize that they are the innocent beings, still away from different “ perceptions”. What a world they belong to and what a world I belong to and to which world you now have pushed me to!
A promise fulfilled, I went to my ma who didn’t return the smile I gave to her and then we headed to the other section. Our turn was still to come so we both took some magazines and in order to avoid coming to the unavoidable topic started flipping the pages. But suddenly I said aloud” Ma I got rid of my split ends, the dry and damaged hair and now onwards nothing worthless will have a space in my life”. She gave me a weak smile in return, maybe because she knows me better than I thought. Again when I sat in front of the mirror and looked at my Ma’s reflection, I found her staring at nothing, lost somewhere. Suddenly she appeared so old and beaten to me. Her sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, swollen eyes like mine were telling the trauma she had to go through that particular day. I am not going to forgive you ever in my life. The feelings that I had for you and still have, doesn’t make you a lesser culprit. I can’t blame your people of anything as they didn’t know us and nor did we, but you were so near to us. How could you do anything to bring us to such a condition. I promise you I will never forgive you in my life.
When we got out of the parlour it was quite late and we wouldn’t have got any conveyance to get back to our place, I was happy at the prospect of walking back in dark at least 3 kms. I wanted to exhaust myself physically as the mental tension and pressure was killing me and was becoming intolerable for me. But then a car stopped of somebody known and we got the lift back home. Ma was sitting in the front seat and got into college discussions with her colleague and I started listening to the music that was playing in the car. How soothing it was for my bleeding heart and soul. It was gurbaani and while getting down the car I asked for it and am playing it even now. Your voice was the most effective balm for me and now onwards will have to keep on searching for such balms through out my life!
