Again?

Why am I disturbed again? Do I know? Ya, I guess, I do! But why is making the choices always so difficult? So I always think that now I have become thick skinned! Emotions are definitely at the back seat now n lo….I prove myself wrong, to me!!! So here was it! I had to take a stand, just had to!Somethings you have to do for nobody but yourself and you are ready to pay any price! I did that! I took a stand and am I happy? I don’t know! The person who wronged me or atleast tried to, has gone back into a shell! I can understand the reason why! Cause there isn’t any other option left! But why I am considerate for the person who was trying to hurt me!!! I know I shouldn’t be! If the person can be so disgusting I don’t think he deserved a forgiving reaction! Or did he? I don’t know! I was hurt but then I am NOT somebody who will go to people and show how hurt I am or will expect them to sympathise with me! I hate sympathies! I may need support sometimes but…..

I have always stood for my rights in my life untill now, I have made this conscious decision not to let people take me for a ride ever! But then I love to have smiling people around me! I don’t want to hurt anybody ever! I know how it feels when you are hurt but what if these two are against each other in some situation? What is more important for me then? And then these people become the sympathy seekers!

Regrets? Too few to mention!

Maybe……..

Why do people turn out to be so different than how I percieve them to be? Somehow this feeling has started to grow in me that I am NOT  a very good judge of people around me! Maybe the blind faith that I have in basic goodness of all human beings and in humanity is non existent in the present world! Maybe the world is not as good as I thought it to be! Maybe I still have to learn many a things about this world and these people! Maybe the way I have been brought up was not the perfect way to ready up some child for the REAL world outside! Maybe I will have to change many beliefs that I have lived with till now! Maybe the problem is not with the people but its with me, the way I look at things! Maybe I have to learn many things, things I thought you can live without knowing about their existence! Maybe………

Power!!!!!!

N,
You would be happy to know that I want to……..
These were the lines that a friend of mine got from somebody and though I have lots of work to do today but still these lines are playing in my mind and I have to write about it. This particular communication started with ” I” and then shifted to “We”! And I am again playing with a thought that has started troubling me for some time now. Do I want to be in a position where “I WANT TO……” makes a lot of difference to a lot of people? Do I want power in my life, in my hands, in my personality? And the most important question is that is there anything called ‘Absolute Power’? I don’t know! I am at loss!
Secondly Do I have the courage to break all the strings attached to me and give myself a chance to fly as high as I want to? Yesterday when without any context I told my mother that I want to be the manager, her reaction reality surprised me and made me feel good as well that there are not as many strings as I think there are! She said,” Great! Quit job and take GMAT!!!!!” At least I have a very supportive family, a family which will never stop me from taking and sticking to any decision that I take regarding the course of my life! But then will I then be at a position where I will enjoy power? Will I be satisfied then? Will that be what I want from my life? Will that give me a sense of freedom? Am I not free now? Why do I want power in my life? Will being at a powerful position in my life mean that nobody will have the right to exert power on me? Is life all about power? Will something be amiss in my life then? There are a lot many questions and the wierd point is that I know the answers as well!!!!
So Aushima dear lets get back to work and think about it later! Or does it need a thought?!

Another Weekend

ANOTHER WEEKEND GONE! Its Monday and I am so tired! Didn’t have much work to do today and it tires me! Work keeps me busy and happY!!

Friday was the day I relaxed and had not planned anything at all for the next two days but still these two days were so busy and action packed! The notion that I have started believing in firmly is that always listen to your instinct! It never lets you down! So monday morning I made an impulsive call to my senior, somebody I can’t think of being on friendly terms with as I am in awe of him! Professionally he is so good. And the response that I got from the other side was so positive and encouraging. So within some time I was ready and off to office! From office I went with him to the apartment he lives in and that was the best day I had since I have come here! He was for me a live energy. At the work place I always used to wonder what is it that drives him and how can anybody be so full of energy throughout the day and this Saturday I got the answer! His mother was such a lady who really earned my respect. She was old but still her age hadn’t make her loose any of her energy, her management skills, the knack for reaching out to people and empathising with other people’s problems! The apartment that I am to shift now is their gift to me! The flat was getting new paint done and in pink colour, as if it was being readied up for my welcome! There was somebody as well who wanted this flat and I was ready to leave it as I felt his need is more than mine. How it is! You want something but still move back as you feel that somebody else needs it more than you. I was feeling guilty of having the feeling that I should have got it as I knew that that person needed it more than me! But we human beings are selfish by nature! Anyway I supressed my wish for that flat and even made the required call for him! What “you should do” always takes the front seat in my case and “what I want” is always at the back seat! But then life is all about making the right choices and right decisions! But as luck would have it for some reason he was denied the flat and we could explore the option! But would I have enjoyed that flat, had some arrangment not been worked out for him as well? I doubt that! There would have been a guilt feeling of not having a pure heart when I was making an effort for that person! But then another option came up and we both got what was best for us! I got the flat I wanted and he wanted what suited him the best! After fixing the deal I could enjoy the rest of the day. I came to realise that a person can never be known to you fully! My that senior showed such facets of his personality that the professional respect that he had earned because of his attitude towards work changed into a respect towards a person!

A whole day at his place brought out such non known things about him! And then his mother cooked lunch for us all. It was so much of fun and after so many days I felt home, with a mother figure around. All thanks to you Dr Nitin More!

So now came the time to crack the deal with the landlord. He is some polititian and God I am dealing with such people as well. They have totally different way of communicating but still I could manage it and he even complimented me on my smiling face!

So with a mission accomplished and another was to be accomplished! We had planned going for a movie with friends. The Departed. But we were so far away from the Hyderabad Central that it was such a tough job to be able to make it to the movie on time. But Hey I managed to reach 5 mins before the intermission. Now thats A different story that a friend now calls me ” Miss Punctuality”! But he will never know what all it took to reach before the intermission! So out and now the never ending discussion about the venue of Dinner! So ultimately we decided the Chinese food and what a no-sense talk we indulged in!!! So back to my flat at about midnight. Hey Hyderabad is a safe place to roam around! And at 1 am in the night I start with my laundry service!!!

What a day it was and the next day I had to get up early in the morning at 9! And Sunday was just Sunday! Just relaxed. Went for the weekly shopping, the weekly contact with the earthy India! It is something that is becoming a ritual with me. It kind of rejuvenates me and keeps me going for the coming 5 days in the corporate world! Huh!

Blabber!!!!!

I didn’t have anything to do yesterday and I didn’t like it at all! This leaves me with a sense of worthlessness. As if I am not doing as much as I can and as much as I should be asked to!

Why this imbalance? Somedays are so tied down with work and somedays are so FREE! Can’t anybody (why did I use the term ‘anybody’, why not me??????) come up with a suggestion where the work gets equally divided between the days and people with a fact in mind that the quality of the output should not degrade.

But can I come up with a suggestion when I am still unaware of the whole story? The two very valuable suggestions that I have got since I have joined my work is that- learn the maximum that you can and make yourself somebody indespensable to the company!

Now the questions that arise are, am I making the best use of all the resources that I am getting here? Am I improving as a person, am I making the improvements in all the spheres I think I should? And secondly, am I on my way to become indespensable to my team?

I have both optimistic and pessimistic answers to both the questions and the answer that I give to myself depends on the kind of mindframe I am in at that point in time. And all the things start appearing to me accordingly!

But then can anybody have control over the kind of mindset one is in? Maybe we can do that but won’t that be forcing yourself? If you are not happy about something why to force yourselfto think in such a manner so that you look at the brighter side of itso as to make yourself feel good?

Or is it that as one cannot be as objective as one should be so forcing oneself to think on some other plane than one is is, is not exactly forcing oneself but it is just another way of looking at things. Who says that the way you are looking at things now is the right, rational way of looking at things. So if one way is not the exactly right way then no harm in trying( the term forcing is a bit too harsh!) to look at it in some other way!

Change!!!

How somethings change and they change before you realise that they have changed! Hey was it a stupid observation? But thats the truth in my case! This week and then this weekend told me about some changes that have come in me and I never realised that I have changed till this weekend! And yes I am so very happy with the change that I noticed in me!!!! There is no body I want to thank for this change or maybe there are many!

In the start of the month I again went through the same old story but what I found interesting this time was that I didn’t affect me the way it used to! Ya, I accept that for the first 15-30 mins it did but the intensity wasnt the same as it used to be! As usual I made some impulsive decision but this time rather than sticking to it I thought and realised that what a worthless cause it is! So that plan was cancelled and another was finalised but as luck would have it, my health didnt allow me to carry on with that as well! And then surprises of all the, cause that seemed useless to me was coming in front of me. myself! Though I tried to convince myself that lets go and face it and did some effort in that direction but deep within there was this feelinhg that I dont want to go ahead with it! And as if you get what you want, I didnt have to go through it!

And it turned out to be one of my best weekends! I explored the place at my own. It was for the first time since I have come here in Hyderabad that I commuted in the local bus transport! It was an experience- all alone in local buses! And it was for the first time in my life that I roamed around in shared autos!!!Hey I never knew in just 6 Rs you can go such long distances! And I dont know after how many days I was the way I love to be! Hair fully oiled (that made my hair look the way they naturally are, as the coloured hair were not very prominent), tightly tied, kohl, long black designer bindi, a loose khadi kurta, a white cotton duppatta and my ever comfortable Kohlapuri chappals! And without specs!!!

I reached back to my flat late in the evening. It was a good day. I had enjoyed it a lot! The moment I reached home there was an invitation from a friend for dinner. He promised to cook Assamese Non veg! So with him in kitchen and me in front of TV, the hrs just flew away! Back on my flat, all tired but happy! Then I realised that I was supposed to wait for somebody’s call or visit and this thought hadn’t crossed my mind even once! God the moment I realised that I had done something that I had been wanting to for such a long time and now I did it without even realising that I am doing it- Being comfortable with present with no regrets about past, i was so happy! Another achievment, a subtle one!

So life is taking it own course and you have no other choice than to flow with it! And thats the best, believe me!

Ghosts appear when someone has not been buried right!

Why?

Why is there this desire to be complete? A perfect woman. Why this burning desire to be perfect in everything that I take up? A perfect proffessional, a perfect homemaker, a perfect of everything? Why? I want a good presentable personality, an awakened mind, good literary interests, empathy for others, want to become a good partner to somebody- I want all this from me! Is it asking for too much from myself? Am I burning myself more than anybody should? Why dont I get satisfied easily? Why???????????

Camus-Just love him!

To lie is not only to say what isn’t true. It is also and above all, to say more than is true, and, as far as the human heart is concerned, to express more than one feels. This is what we all do, every day, to simplify life.

I have always loved Camus! I think this was the only author with whom I fell in love of all the authors I studied in my Masters In English course ! The Stranger. Just loved the book. Dont know why and never tried to rationalise why?  And today with free time in hands I again started reading some stuff about this book and him. These lines which Camus has written in the preface to the Stranger made me to think that how real and how very true he is in his this obsevation!!