Complete?

Why is it so that I am not what I want to be? Why still somethings make a difference to me when they shouldnt, now of all the times? I know what is that I should do and I am making myself do that. The kind of life that I am leading these days is my own call. I just dont want any free time left for myself. Just want to be as busy as possible. I want to reach a stage at the end of the day that I am so fatigued physically that the mental agony doesnt bother me at all. Is it running away from reality? No, its not so its just a way to come out of something that you dont want to be a part of. Its my way of facing the realities. I have to be happy thats a notion , thats a thought that keeps on playing in my mind continously and through out I keep on doing things which take me near to my this sole aim. Life was never so for me. Life for me was a beautiful journey with my loved ones around me and we all happy and content. Yes, on material grounds I could never have been better. I am getting something I never thought about. I am leading a life many people want to lead but never get  the chance to. I really dont know what is it that I exactly feel! I have stopped thinking. Get up in the morning , go through the daily routine, daily thanks giving prayer, those stretching exercises, a cab waiting for you at 7.40, give the driver a perfect smile, talk to him in the best possible way. Hey he said something today that I always believed in. When he asked me if I liked Hyderabad and people here then my response that people are really good here he replied that all are not but then it depends on you. If you are good and respectful to people then you will get the same reaction. Hey this is what I always believed in and he told me the same thing. My office is just 10 mins away from my flat still that ac! I hate it, I am not habitual to these kinds of things. I have always punished myself wIth harsh treatments whenever I felt I failed my self and now all of sudden all this. But anyway. I reach office at about 8 and head for a healthy breakfast. I dont know how many months have passed since I had that healthy appetite but now I make it a point to take healthy meals not because I am hungry but becuase I  SHOULD take care of myself! Huh what non sense! When did I reach such a stage where I am doing things that I ought to do, not because they are something natural? But still this thought that I have to take control back of everything back in my hands is making me do all this. Anyway. All the assignments fiinished on time, all the perfect warm smiles given, as and when required, all the right things said in the meetings, all that non-sense talk I indulge in during the lunch time, the free time for my interests, chatting to my mother. Even if I am through with all the work in the evening I dont go home. There is nothing to do back home. Or is it like that I dont like the free time back home? Though I have tried to make my flat as welcoming and as warm as was possible for me but still I shy away from reaching back early evening. The light pink curtains, the colourful mats, the light pink walls, the lampshade, the interior fail to welcome me into their warmth. Reach home cook something just to fulfill the duty of eating and then back in my room. These days I am reading something that is not interesting me at all but I just cant dare to give myself the free time. The wandering thoughts take me back to those painful times and I just cant bear it anymore. Maybe I should start working on my thesis now. It will keep me more than busy and the most important job will also start.But Aushima dear what more you want to do? A course in managment, another in Law, another in English, a thesis in Linguistics and the writing samples and with some time those training presentations will start and the next week that NGO is going to take some of your time as well. Hey even my  Home State wants me, will have to share the responsibility of Himvani as well! And the weekends those homely parties, Manuj is a nice company and I hope he proves to be a good cook as well!

So all in all life seems to be complete. But is it really is? I dare not to question that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sushant Bhaiya!

Right now in the middle of a very busy day when there are so many assignments to be completed I got a call, from the cook of the guesthouse I am staying these days, to ask if I will take non-veg food today!!!! I joined my this organisation few days back and since these were the Navratras I wasnt taking the non-veg food. He was waiting for the Navratras to be over . The first day he served me the food I praised the food that he had prepared. There was this shy expression on his face and on knowing that I take non-veg food as well, had wanted me to try all the Hyderabadi non-veg cuisines he had expertise in preparing. Though the Navratras were over, I didnt take non-veg the next day as well as it was Dussera and the next day it was Tuesday! Yesterday I had no restrictions to follow so tried the non-veg dish he had prepared. But it wasnt one of his best preparations, this is what he said! Though it was really good one according to me. And now today he calls me up in the office to confirm if I will take Non-veg today?! But as it is Thursday today so again I refused and the dejected note that was there in his ” Ok Ma’am” is still echoing in my ears! Just had to take time out to write it. Hyderabadis are really good people! And you are too good Sushant Bhaiya!

A Promise Fulfilled

This was to be the first blog that I was to write, cause from this day started a new phase & I came face to face with reality, the harsh, painful, striking reality! Since there was some problem in my pc so I took out the diary and started writing on the page dated 3rd October, the fateful day I got to know about your existence and chatted with you, totally unconscious of the fact that there will come a day in my life when I will curse this day!

What a day it was and how I ended it. After crying till my heart’s fill I asked my Ma to let me to go to market though it was a bit late at that time but still she being the ever understanding Ma agreed to accompany me to market. We went to market and through out the way we didn’t talk about you, even though both of us were conscious that you were our TOMA(hate this term now).I tried to be my usual self, chirpy, care free and happy but somehow Ma was getting irritated but I knowing well the reason of her irritation thought it better to ignore it. I bought a new dress for me in my favourite pink colour and a new pair of high heeled shoes. Again these things were reminding me of you but some things are to be suppressed and I think I will have to learn it fast.

After this I asked my Ma to go to the parlour as I needed a cutting, the expression that was there on her face wretched my heart but still some things are to be done at any cost. So I headed to the cutting section, ignoring my ma or the look in her eyes and sat on the chair where the barber came to analyze my hair and asked my choice for the cut I would prefer but it was the day when I had learned that you don’t always get what you choose and sometimes your choice is not worth you, so asked him to go ahead with whichever he thought the best. ‘Learn to give in to others’ free will dear Aushima’, this is what I told myself at that time. But still the length of the hair was to be decided by me and ma was also there. He showed the length of the hair that I had to loose and ma suddenly said” NO”! I knew how she loved my growing hair and even you wanted it to be so but then I had to keep my promise, a promise which I made to you as well as to me. At least I should keep my promises even if you, for your convenience, are forgetting or ignoring them. I had always been honest with me and here also I will accept this fact that even I had come to love my hair and more than that, the feeling that this is something I am doing for you. I never accepted this fact in front of you but this was so. But I asked my Ma to let me do what I wanted to and she said’” Don’t over do it and irritate me”. And then she went away and sat down with her back turned to me. How I felt at that time, you can never understand and why I had to do it that also will never be comprehensible to you.

There I was in front of a big mirror with my hair loose, dark circles more prominent since some last days, swollen eyes which were more prominent because of kohl that I had applied, dry lips, sunken cheeks and a hollow look on my face. My spontaneous reaction was to turn my gaze away from my own face as I couldn’t face what you had done to me but then I have to face the realities, now and throughout my life, so again I looked at myself. My ‘battered heart’ visible in the reflection of my face in the mirror. This wasn’t me! How could I be so? How could he do so to me? How could I let him do this to me? Where was the real me?

Suddenly I could feel my eyes getting moist and I could see in the reflection the tears brimming in my eyes about to come out but I didn’t let them to. This is how I am to live throughout my life now, not letting the pain, the tears, the heartache come out. I kept on staring at my self without blinking and all those eight months started floating in front of my eyes. Those eight months which still mean so much to me and never meant a thing to you. Suddenly the warm air of the blower striking on my neck brought me back to the real world, the cruel harsh real world. I felt a gaze on me and saw two children staring at me wide eyed through the glass partition, spontaneously I gave them a smile and wished that they shouldn’t be able to see how fake it was but the smile and the shy look that I got in return made me realize that they are the innocent beings, still away from different “ perceptions”. What a world they belong to and what a world I belong to and to which world you now have pushed me to!

A promise fulfilled, I went to my ma who didn’t return the smile I gave to her and then we headed to the other section. Our turn was still to come so we both took some magazines and in order to avoid coming to the unavoidable topic started flipping the pages. But suddenly I said aloud” Ma I got rid of my split ends, the dry and damaged hair and now onwards nothing worthless will have a space in my life”. She gave me a weak smile in return, maybe because she knows me better than I thought. Again when I sat in front of the mirror and looked at my Ma’s reflection, I found her staring at nothing, lost somewhere. Suddenly she appeared so old and beaten to me. Her sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, swollen eyes like mine were telling the trauma she had to go through that particular day. I am not going to forgive you ever in my life. The feelings that I had for you and still have, doesn’t make you a lesser culprit. I can’t blame your people of anything as they didn’t know us and nor did we, but you were so near to us. How could you do anything to bring us to such a condition. I promise you I will never forgive you in my life.

When we got out of the parlour it was quite late and we wouldn’t have got any conveyance to get back to our place, I was happy at the prospect of walking back in dark at least 3 kms. I wanted to exhaust myself physically as the mental tension and pressure was killing me and was becoming intolerable for me. But then a car stopped of somebody known and we got the lift back home. Ma was sitting in the front seat and got into college discussions with her colleague and I started listening to the music that was playing in the car. How soothing it was for my bleeding heart and soul. It was gurbaani and while getting down the car I asked for it and am playing it even now. Your voice was the most effective balm for me and now onwards will have to keep on searching for such balms through out my life!