Thank you.

I think its been ages since I wrote anything, well publically. Not that there was nothing to write, in fact there was so much to write and in so many different anonymous blogs that this particular blog got ignored in the process.

Well, today is also not the perfect time and mindset to write but I just have to. I have to thank a genre of people ( I hope I can give this term to them!) and its so much heart felt that if I avoid it anymore I think the intensity of gratitude may get dampened cause of so many mundane tasks awaiting my immediate attention.

I and my brother, both are in the process of transition. We both are supposed to go to the US for nearly related purposes. Yes, he is leaving on 4th and I am supposed to leave on 5th.

5th Aug at 3.00 pm. Thats a Tuesday. And on the very same day I have the most important meeting of the Ph.D project I have undertaken, at 11.00 am, which may run from a few to a little more hours! Kind of a close call, given the fact that the airport is on the outskirts and I have nearly 20 hrs of journey ahead. But I am so happy that I am NOT paying attention to the fact that I may be dead by the end of next day! And all thanks for this good feeling to the fraternity called”teachers”!

Well a little background is needed here, I suppose. So, Mom got a mail somedays back from an ex-student asking for a recommendation letter for the Rhodes Scholarship (yes yes the same coveted thing). He gave her just a day. A mail requesting for one recco and a phone call. I had been through the similar process where I too needed at least three reccos and the experience was not all that pleasant. Well, I gave the benefit of doubt to those people citing the busy schedules they keep in the corporate world. It was an excuse I was building up for myself. We usually do that, right? At times when the rational self makes you see some bitter truths but you being a die hard believer in the eternal goodness of humankind don’t want to believe even your rational self! Well, I did that. Now thats a different story that when I got this so called ‘prestigious’ thing called Fulbright, the same busy people had time to congratulate me and tell me how sure they were of all the team alumni to do great and blah blah… Well, I am digressing from the point again, as always!

So mom was keeping really hectic schedules these days. I thought to myself, she won’t be able to write the asked for recco! But she did! At 12 in the night when we could kind of wrap up the things we were doing, mom said she wanted me and my bro out of the room and she has to write the recco!!! Some commitment that was! Honestly speaking,I don’t think I would have done that. She wrote great things about him and and in such a short notice. I was silently admiring her commitment for her student but I thought may be thats my mom, thats why! But no, it wasn’t for the fact that she is my mom, but for the fact that she is a teacher! This fact was to be substantiated in the coming days!

So, I, in the transition process had nth number of things to be managed from a distance. I know, its not a big deal but maybe the first time of anything makes it a huge task, to me at least! Housing, money transition, contracts, jobs etc etc and I, a big zero in such things! I was stuck in a situation where I, trying to manage everything, goofed up something ( as always)! I wrote an SOS mail to a Professor. My supervisor was visiting  Univs here in India and he could be of no help. So I wrote to this Professor who was not responsible for me in anyway. My one mail and he got into the whole issue big time! Within no time, the issue was a non-issue! He went an extra mile to make things comfortable for me.In what so ever words I wrote my thanks to him, I felt gratitude I was feeling for the timely help he had provided me could not get across !! Sometimes, words seem so less and incapable to express the real emotions!

Now was the time to experience and re-solidify this belief in the goodness of this fraternity. My long ignored Ph.D project was demanding my attention and, all the more now, due to the fact that I would be out of country for at least a year. So the last minute person that I am, I had to manage my RDC meeting before I leave for the US. Its the most important presentation that one has to make before a council constituting of Professors from and outside the department, a-quarter-a-year thing and something in which Department has not much to do. I went to the Dean with a request of early RDC with very less time left in hands. Some 4 working days only for them to arrange a special one for me. A nearly impossible thing. Even I knew that. And with my Ph.D guide away for a conference and nobody to push for my case, I knew I stand a negligible chance and one year of the academic year is bound to be wasted. BUT the chairperson was more than accommodating. He was somebody I had never interacted with much when I was a student of Masters cause I never had a class with him. But the way he came out as, was such a pleasant surprise!! The Dean, another BIG surprise factor. In the department I always was in awe of him, with Univs like Oxford, Cambridge and grants like Charles Wallace, Sir Ernest Cassel attached to him I always looked up to him. He was somebody I could never imagine sharing a friendly relation with. He not only arranged for an early special RDC for my benefit but was so accommodating that I could not believe my luck. After fulfilling all the paper work at the office I came out of the building but something made me go back and go to their rooms and say a ‘Thank you’. One was surprised with my this gesture and the other gave a warm smile in return. I don’t know if my one ‘Thank you’ was good enough for the emotions I was feeling then but yes, I came out of the University with a beaming face, after a long time!

At a time when I am leaving for the US for a purely academic reason but with some vague plans of making it corporate world again in a slightly different role, these three professors gave me a clarity of thought which was much needed at this junction!

Thank you Philip ji, Prof Pusack, Prof Raina and Prof Shelley Walia. I hope some day, just some day I am capable enough of leaving a positive impression on some lives at least.

……….

Hazaaron khwahishain aisee ke har khwahish pe dam nikle
bahut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhee kam nikle

nikalna khuld se aadam ka sunte aayain hain lekin
bohot beaabru hokar tere kooche se ham nikle.

Somethings!

Another death in the neighbourhood and again I am falling into that abyss of past memoirs! Somethings,they just don’t go away! They just don’t! Scratch, scratch hard, scratch till it bleeds but still some marks, some invisible marks would always be there!

Yes, you know you have moved ahead,way too ahead to even look back and even if you look back you won’t find anything but still somewhere down the line there is something, which is invisible but you feel its existence!

Maybe we should just accept the fact that somethings exist forever!

Another web!

So it is a relatively free day at my work place. The mail from Surender about the new look of Himvani was re opened by me for the nth time and with two windows open in front me I was comparing the points in his mail and the new look! And then I went to my yahoo group account and read Subhash Mendhapurkar’s mail and the replies to it! I was very curious about the solid outcome of this thread but somehow its lost somewhere.

I joined this Himvani group a long time back but I haven’t ever participated actively. I have been trying to keep track of things and have been trying to sink all the information in. And this time I met Varun Rattan for the first time in Delhi. Though it was a very quick meeting with my driver irritated about my personal call and Varun in a hurry to go to some dinner party so I, kind of, had to cut short the courtesies and pounced on the point I wanted the clarification on. Yes, he talks well and whatever he said made sense. Now I want to meet Surender Dhaleta.

I have been bugging my mother with questions about the rationale behind such an effort and what we really aim at and most importantly how do we plan to go about it! Sometimes I feel is calling this effort “grass root journalism” and reporting, helping our state at grass root level growth? I may be sounding very vague and maybe it’s the reflection of the maze that I find myself in whenever I think about this whole thing!

I think I have a myopic vision. Maybe I am not able to look at the bigger picture but then I always believe in taking the small detrimental steps. And I think the way I look at things are because of my own references.

When after my Masters from Chandigarh, I came back to Hamirpur and got the chance to teach in the Government college, I had my own apprehensions! There was this urgent need of a makeover. The dressing style, the expression on my face, just everything. I was apprehensive about going to the same college as a lecturer where only two years back I was a student! I knew how notorious the students were in Degree college, how big the class rooms were, how I may have more that hundred students in my one class and how insignificant I could have appeared to them! But after few initial ice breaking days we gelled well! Yes, the class rooms were really big and I had classes with more than 100 students but I wasn’t insignificant to them. We developed a mutual respect and love for each other. My cotton suits with those big cotton dupattas weren’t needed anymore to make them take me seriously. And those big boys who appeared gunda-like and used very rough language were in reality sweet persons and vulnerable at times! Sometimes I felt so helpless when I looked at  those darling kids and thought about the kind of future they would be having. The kind of backgrounds they had and the responsibilities that they had to perform and how those responsibilities made them keep the studies at the back seat made my heart cry and I hated that helpless feeling. I did the most I could. Being good at my core job was the main thing but talking to them about the bigger picture of life was something I did regularly but even that made me feel how helpless we were! I was at loss sometimes what should I suggest when I knew about the strings attached! Could I do anything for them? No. Could I develop dreams in their eyes? Yes. But could I pave a path for them to reach out to those dreams? No. Was their base strong enough for somebody to push them into something substantial? No.

 

And then I moved ahead with my life. I felt like a failure but then I am a selfish and self centered person. My further studies and other things made me move further away from this kind of harsh reality about my state and people. I left the college and was back among the kind of life I was habitual to. Once in a while a random thought did struck me but as always I suppressed whatever seems digression from all the rational steps that I expect to take in my life.

 

But then during one journey back to Chandigarh this reality again struck me and hard! So sitting on the window seat of the bus with my eyes closed and me silently cribbing about just everything, a small, happy excited voice “Ma’am” made me open my eyes. There was a face in front of me, a vibrant excited, happy face! Ok I am bad at giving names to the faces but I could place him as one of my ex-students of the college. He seemed so happy to meet again and wanted to share a good news. He had joined some factory in Baddi!!! He was so happy about it, his face was a clear reflection of that. The studies were left, a college drop out with a job in a factory! I didn’t know whether to be happy with him or sad about it! I remembered him as a Navodaya student and really good in studies, at least in my subject! Yes he was very excited about his achievement but I was at loss, couldn’t think of the perfect reaction, couldn’t think of anything!

 

Today coming across the mail from Subhash Mendhapurkar and this free time in hands I again am in that web! A web where I am moving towards my selfish personal goals but where these things still prick my conscience!

 

Is sitting in our ac offices and talking about these things over Net solving any purpose? Am I looking at things from a different perspective than what the ultimate goal of this organization is? I understand the Himgoogle kind of dream but are we missing out something important? Something which can be a detrimental step in changing the shape of our state! Don’t we really need to make the base strong? Will talking about the education over this site or online provide us the solution? Or am I looking at a very small picture, my imagination canvas is not big enough to dream as big as others do?

Any answers please?

 

And she cried……

 

A headstart to another weekend!

So why am I like that? Whenever its time to take the plunge, the time to take the last step I try escaping that! And the worst part is I give excuses to myself! And all those wierd excuses!!!!

 So I need a laptop, no? How  I can do without it? And ofcourse I cannot use my bro’s, afterall even he has to use it!! …And I got one! But darling what’s the use of laptop without without Net connection, right? Ok I got that as well!!!! Hey but I am a very planned person how can I just get the date before doing the ground work and with the kind of the lifestyle and work hours I keep, do you really think its easy to find time out? Well…..honestly it is!! But do I do that? NO!!! So come back from office, chit chat, get into the web of net (hey, I am searching for relevant information!) and end up all the more confused and go to sleep very late in the night with all those mental tangles!! Get up tired in the morning, dress up hurridly and rush!!!

 Why do I do this? Why do I keep running from things? Why this maze? Its like my those graduation days when I was running after the Medical entrances, never went to my graduation  classes, flunked in the December house tests and then spent many days thinking and trying to hide myself from the reality of final exams! Gosh I still had to buy books in January and with final practicals starting in March I think it ws high time then!;) So after days of looking at those loads and loads of books with all those incomprehensible wierd looking diagrams and trying to plan things, I STARTED my mission when I knew I have reached the do-or-die situation! And yeah, I did manage ultimately, some how grabbed the second position in the college as well (I still don’t know how!) with quite a respectable score.

But why do I do that? I take myself to a limit where I am very near to a menal breakdown and I reach a stage after that where I lose any fear, become a fearless creature, who has nothing to lose and then take a plunge. Well…..Not a great way to live life!

And there is a person in your life who is so planned, at least was, when he had to take the same decision and another friend who was like you, infact even worse than you when it came to planning, and even he is also a planned fellow now! Infact roles have changed so drastically that he is the one who is talking all that “gyan” and then another friend whose all that planning is paying him and he is going to start a new phase! And all these guys push me, push me to decide, push me to just go for it! I am lucky to have such people in my life, people who believe in my capabilities more than I do!

But what exactly is stopping me? I know I have it in me (ok, thats a very immodest statement!) so then, why????

One decision and life will change? Am I ready for that? Do I want to do it? And why? Am I changing before even realising? Is something sapping in without my being conscious about it? What exactly I want from me, my life?Hmmm…. Do I want to answer that? Infact the better question is do I know the answer?

Hmm…. I think time to get up of this couch and stop listening to these rock songs! Bhaiya is making he third cup of tea for me!!! Probably will have a toast as well and get up and go to a Mall and escape all this!

Well no comments please!!!!

Cocoon

see, u r scared ..if u show ur feminine side , u ‘ll loose that tough outlook image..

This dialogue said by somebody has been playing in my mind for a long time. But the thing that I have started doing now generally in my life is that I pay attention to only those things in my life which are important, others are best ignored or atleast supressed for the time being!

I hate free time in hands these days. So many plans are there in mind but somehow I again want to start afresh on them in Delhi so these days are the days when I am in a state when I am looking back at so many things, atleast today! Somethings are still there which still hurt.Infact the problem is with me, I don’t have to look back and hurt myself again and again. But then the changes that I feel in me simply amaze me sometimes. The way I have started behaving with unknowns and relatively strangers( ok I hate to acknowledge it but majorly with the opposite gender) surprises even me!

This particular person is good( I can trust my instinct, right?) but the way I react to him or any other aquaintance is not the way I used to! May be what he said is true! I again have put my guards up, I again am back in my shell where people get to see what I want them to see but the real me is deep safe in a cocoon! The feminine side of my personality with which I think I never was very comfortable and which came for a while is again going back and hiding under that stiff image! I now feel its good to be good to people but they are never let into that zone where they gain a power over me, a power to hurt me! Hurt scares me now.

But then a thought comes in mind that am I not closing myself to many things by being like this? Only few people, very few have rights over me, rest really dont make much difference to me. I love them for being whatever they are but I don’t expect their love back. Thats the attitude I have now for everybody.I know its a comfortable zone for me but am I losing out at anything? Hmmm…… Maybe! But am I ready to take a plunge into relationship tangles? Do I want to ever?

Hmmm…..Lets not answer it Aushima Thakur! Comfy zone is comfortable! 🙂

Alvida

Ok, I don’t have much to do today! And I am not in mood to work as well! Tomorrow is Friday and the next Friday I will be back in Delhi! The place I wanted to be! No doubts I am happy about it but there are some other feelings as well, some feeling I don’t want to acknowledge even to myself! So what I am doing-I am underplaying, supressing !!!

Back to my family, my loved ones, my friends, back to everybody who has value in my life but are the people I am leaving behind here also not the loved ones! Life changed and so did I, before even I realised.

Hyderabad happened to me when I needed it the most, this place brought me back to life, this place showed me again what I am, this place brought back smiles on my parents’ faces, this place gave me new dreams, this place changed my attitude towards life, this place made me realise my potentials, this place is my second birth place! But is it the place or the people around me who brought all these changes in me?! Hmmm…. As again I have again fallen in love with so many people! How it is? You think that you have changed, you decide you are not going to invest emotions again in relations and before you realise you have DONE it! But any regrets? Hmm… None at all! 🙂

This stay here was a great experience, so much of unlearning and learning! I think I am a better individual now! I learnt many lessons, some really hard way but then the important point is growing, growing for something better always, whatever it takes! So no regrets darling ever in my life again!

?

How it is? You work for something, work really hard! You are kind of possessive about it as you feel thats its your baby! But then some thing happens and you have to fight for your own baby! Can you fight really hard! No, cause then you are ruthlessly competitive and that is not a positive attribute in you. But anyway you too make some compromises as there is no other way out! Just one option and you have to take it. But then what is expected from you is that you will be as good as if nothing happened ever. You give even that test to you, not for anybody but because you want to learn how to react even in extremely adverse situations.

But still the parasites don’t change their nature. They are incapable of that. They will do what is their nature. Infact you always do what your basic nature is, right? And these parasites have the sympathies of all! Ofcourse they will have, afterall you are ruthlessly competitive, extra smart and mean and they are the pitiable creatures and yes they do need everybody’s support to exist! And who doesn’t like being a support to such creatures, That gives a feeling of worth to these supporters as well, I guess! Don’t really understand what prompts them to do so! But anyway. They surely must have their own rationale for such action. Obviously no action is without any rationale! And then you reach a state where you don’t even want to fight back these parasites! You just stop caring! A state of trance is where you reach! Such creatures don’t even earn your pity!You dont have anything to give to them, no pity, no sympathy and the least of all your energy to fight such people back! You dont evn want to waste that on them.

Have I reached that state? I guess so, its TIME!

Nothing is going to keep me down ever!